1726
"I'm gonna cure this hangover with more alcohol."
- Everyone today
1727
Which Harry Potter House Do You Belong In? #SlytherinPride
@nedacus @KeithHabs @korndiddy facebook.com/tryguys/videos…
1730
At lunch:
ME - "I'm starting my diet. What are you gettting?"
FRIEND - "A pizza."
ME - "YES I'LL ALSO HAVE PIZZA."
1731
Tuesdays are Mondays in disguise except you've given up on being grumpy about it.
1732
Me and @BuzzFeedVideo's resident duck Pip are the newest office romance
1733
When Someone Compliments You But Then Says "For An Asian"
1734
IDK why guys still think Asian girls are "submissive" when they're quiet. They're quiet because they're silently plotting ways to kill you.
1736
"Feminine" is not an insult.
"Feminine" is you demonstrating your complete ignorance of women.
My sisters can kick your ass.
And so can I.
1737
For every empty bottle of shampoo there's always approximately three half-empty bottles of conditioner just sitting around #showerstruggles
1738
Whenever anyone asks me what I want to eat I always want to answer, "burgerpizzatacoramenfriedchickenicecream" but I just say, "I dunno."
1739
A PIGEON JUST TRIED TO LAND ON MY HEAD
I AM NOT A TREE, PIGEON, GET YOUR EYES CHECKED
1740
"Would be better with a fried egg on it."
- Me when I look at any food
1741
This is what I would look like if I played 🎾 and owned a ⛵️ and had a wife named Muffy.
1742
Hey #SNL. Maybe it's time to finally hire an Asian actor. Comedy that references its own lack of diversity is tired.
1743
1744
Weekend mornings: an eternal competition between how much I want to stay in bed and how long I can hold my pee.
1746
🕖👔👖👞👗👠
🕗🍴🍣🍷😇
🕘🍷🍷🍷😈
🕙🎶🍺🎶🍻
🕚🍸🎶👯🍸🎶💃🏻🍸
🕛😆😍😝😘
🕐😫😖😒😡
🕑🍕🍔🍗🍜🍟🍦🍪🍰🍫🍕🍕🍕
🕒😴💤
🌚...🌞
🕚😨🚽😷🛀🏻😭🚽
🕛💊💊💊😴
🕒💩
🕓🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕
🌞...🌚
🕕📞🙋🏻🙋🏾🙋🏼📞🎉?
🕖👔👖👞👗👠
1747
There comes a time in your life when you slowly realize that you move and act EXACTLY like your mother
1748
1749
[Mom finally meets my dogs. Points at Pesto]
MOM: "He look like you."
ME: "How so?"
MOM: "Like CRAZY PERSON."
(laughs in my face)
#ELYlive
1750
MOM: "What is wrong with your pants?"
ME: "Nothing. It's drop crotch, it's a style."
MOM: "It looks like you pooped."
#ELYlive
