1
ME: "Happy International Women's Day!"
MOM: "Huh?"
ME: "Today's dedicated to women's equality."
MOM: "That should just be every day."
2
I think we should all stop using the word "ignorant" to explain someone's bigotry and replace it with "shittymotherfuckingwasteofspace" #OU
4
"You have very attractive veins. I could poke you all day."
- Nurse drawing my blood
5
I was trying to write my sister's name, Whitney, as my emergency contact, and accidentally wrote Whiskey.
6
FRIEND: "I feel like I haven't made anything in my life."
ME: "You make poop every day."
FRIEND: "Never become a therapist."
7
What I was supposed to do:
7PM - go to gym
8PM - cook healthy dinner
What I'm doing:
7PM - thought about ice cream
8PM - eating ice cream
9
Disney: developing a live-action #Mulan
Me: puts on wig and dress
#NowPourTheTea
10
Let's be honest: I'm WAY more of a Ling than a Shang
✔ Skinny
✔ Goofy
✔ Often nude
✔ Fierce in drag
#liveactionMulan
11
Combined 2 fan gifts (Pokéball undies and the Eeveelutions) to create the nerdiest glamour shot in history #Pokemon
12
*phone rings*
𝐌𝐄: "Hi Mom!"
𝐌𝐎𝐌: "DON'T DO DRUGS."
𝐌𝐄: "Uh, I don't."
𝐌𝐎𝐌: "Okay, good, bye."
*click*
#AsianMoms
13
*calls Mom back*
𝐌𝐄: "Why'd you ask me that?"
𝐌𝐎𝐌: "I don't know, I see video of you naked AGAIN covered in sushi and I think: drugs."
𝐌𝐄: 😳
14
[our first exchange]
ME: "Hi Mom!"
MOM: (hugs me, looks me over) "Are you still poor?"
#ELYlive
15
MOM: "You look very attractive."
ME: "Thanks!"
MOM: "Like your mom."
ME: "...thanks?"
#ELYlive
16
MOM: "Why don't they bring an extra chair for my purse? Whatever."
[pulls this shit out of her purse]
#ELYlive
17
MOM: "What is wrong with your pants?"
ME: "Nothing. It's drop crotch, it's a style."
MOM: "It looks like you pooped."
#ELYlive
18
[Mom finally meets my dogs. Points at Pesto]
MOM: "He look like you."
ME: "How so?"
MOM: "Like CRAZY PERSON."
(laughs in my face)
#ELYlive
19
20
There comes a time in your life when you slowly realize that you move and act EXACTLY like your mother
21
🕖👔👖👞👗👠
🕗🍴🍣🍷😇
🕘🍷🍷🍷😈
🕙🎶🍺🎶🍻
🕚🍸🎶👯🍸🎶💃🏻🍸
🕛😆😍😝😘
🕐😫😖😒😡
🕑🍕🍔🍗🍜🍟🍦🍪🍰🍫🍕🍕🍕
🕒😴💤
🌚...🌞
🕚😨🚽😷🛀🏻😭🚽
🕛💊💊💊😴
🕒💩
🕓🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕
🌞...🌚
🕕📞🙋🏻🙋🏾🙋🏼📞🎉?
🕖👔👖👞👗👠
23
Weekend mornings: an eternal competition between how much I want to stay in bed and how long I can hold my pee.
24
25
Hey #SNL. Maybe it's time to finally hire an Asian actor. Comedy that references its own lack of diversity is tired.
