976
I’m announcing my intention to create a prestigious dog show for mutts where the judging criteria is how long they can stand me hugging them #DogThanking 🐶
977
parents: no, seriously.
me: thank u, next. [sits down]
someone else: uhhh I’m thankful for this food.
978
parents: let’s go around the table and everyone say what they’re thankful for.
someone: my family.
somebody: my friends.
me: [stands] i’m thankful for all of y’all having to silently deal with eveRY FABULOUS EXPRESSION OF MY EVOLVING SEXUALITY.
981
I just tried explaining the evolution of her brand and discography and ended up arguing with myself about if Artpop was good or not for the past hour
982
I know we shouldn’t talk politics over dinner but the adults at my table are discussing how Lady Gaga suddenly BECAME talented because of ‘A Star Is Born’ and I’m gonna throw something
983
Y'all I've ALWAYS been saying Try Guys Gay Time 🐯
984
I’m beyond proud to be hosting #TrevorLive LA this year! An incredible organization honoring inspiring trailblazers for a very important cause. Join me and @TrevorProject to help support LGBTQ youth in crisis: la.trevorlive.org 🏳️🌈
out.com/news-opinion/2…
985
Many of you have noticed that I've been tweeting more lately. After years of remaining distant, I've resolved to be more engaging and less precious with my thoughts, so no need to ask "are you OK / drunk." You're just being exposed to the full breadth of my weird personality. 🤗
986
every flight:
“please seat me next to that one hot person or the lady with the cute little dog please seat me next to that one hot per —“
*wedged between two families with screaming children*
987
I legit squealed like a little girl when I saw the Bulbasaurs like someone will need to restrain me during this movie if they show Mew I will usher myself out of the theater
988
*at Thanksgiving*
DAD: What are we all thankful for?
ME: The opportunity to gather here together with loved ones...
...to talk about our feelings...
...about furry Jigglypuff.
*opens us PowerPoint presentation*
989
I lie awake at night thinking about Detective Pikachu.
I will never stop thinking about Detective Pikachu.
Detective Pikachu is my religion now.
990
I swear with God as my witness, we will recreate an entire Golden Girls episode because we are all about educating the children about quality content. Amen. twitter.com/tryguys/status…
992
@nedfulmer How dare you make me start liking baby. (singular)
994
The new @LittleMix album bops so hard that I’m already teaching my dog the lyrics #LM5
996
*just now over text*
MOM: You're looking too skinny, are you eating? 😇
ME: Of course, Mom. I'm getting dinner now.
MOM: Don't get fast food you'll get fat. 👿
997
My shoulder angel and devil are both my mom, sweetly asking if I'm eating enough while casually bringing up every time in my life that I was chubby
998
oh shit oh fuck oh shit twitter.com/PaxtonMM/statu…
