1251
dear @djkhaled
please get #pizzawithkeith 🍕
1252
"Show us the receipts, Donald Trump Jr."
*tweets out emails*
"Um hey these are price tags, not receipts."
"I'm rich, what is a receipt."
1253
Apologies to the gays for the black suit but a million thanks to the man whose apartment I got ready at who happened to be my size.
youtu.be/MCJkvULeuZU
1254
I've always trusted my Taurus friends, but not this Taurus season. This whole year has fucked with their patience. My very stable Taurus bud just ended our phone call about her birthday with an ominous "...OR ELSE," and then laughed a little too loudly. I almost shit my pants.
1255
just me, holding two rabbits, in a window, lit by a menorah
1258
This is the Internet. When you comment you know damn well that we can all see your picture and profile.
It's a new, terrifying evil that openly flaunts their heinous behavior. Many are children who lack the comprehension that they're being awful. It needs to be called out more.
1259
@EugeneLeeYang
ME: "I'll pair my wine with...this other bottle of wine."
#winewednesday
1260
THEM: "You only like K-Pop because you're Korean."
ME: "No. I like K-Pop because I get to HEAR and SEE Koreans. There's a big difference."
1263
Yes I'm a huge fan of @RuPaulsDragRace & rooting for @KimChi_Chic, @thatonequeen, or @ThorgyThor to snatch the title
1264
What’s the thing that made you cry at the movies that wasn’t even sad?
1266
a friend: "you're classy but go harder than anyone I know."
me: "yes I am a @lizzo flute solo."
1267
Congratulations to @MaiaShibutani and @AlexShibutani on their Olympic medal! 🏅 World-class athletes and sibling goals. #ShibSibs 🎉
Also, congrats to my sisters and me! We haven't gotten into a stupid fight over nothing for a full day, even though it'd totally be their fault.
1269
1270
I would smile more, but smiling for me is highly reactive - I have to feel something funny or joyful. It's not a natural resting state. Therefore, I have to lead new social interactions not with my smiling, open demeanor, but solely with my words, and that's so fucking stressful.
1271
Fun, unexpected fact: I have a few irrational fears when I'm put in situations where I have zero control and become convinced something terrible will happen, regardless of probability. This includes roller coasters - so naturally, the other #TryGuys made me ride one. 🎢 twitter.com/tryguys/status…
1272
doctor - “it’s a boy!”
Asian parents - *whisper amongst one another, come to a decision*
“All boys will be named David, Justin, or Kevin. End of list.”
1273
So silver spoons make people stupid. Good to know.
1274
Moral of the story: count your blessings. We have so much we take for granted. Get out there and do some good.
Second moral of the story: if you skip heating it up, the pizza gets to your mouth faster.
1275
Is this a good tweet because I am still drunk.
