776
By 2050 everyone's parents are gonna be named Jayden or Zoey or Ocean or Stormi please someone name their kid Gary or Linda or Donald or Patricia so they don't go extinct.
777
when the straights don't get your reference 🌡
778
every flight:
“please seat me next to that one hot person or the lady with the cute little dog please seat me next to that one hot per —“
*wedged between two families with screaming children*
779
me eating while reading all these controversial food opinions
780
*jumps in time machine, shows this picture to past child self*
me: in 2018 you will meet @MingNa and almost drunk ugly-cry in front of her as you gush about how important "Mulan" was for Asian children everywhere.
child me: um, what are you wearing?
me: OUR FINAL FORM, BITCH.
781
RETWEET TO VOTE for the amazingly talented @lewberger in the finals of #BringTheFunny and then go to btfvote.votenow.nbc.com to vote for them up to 10 times! #funnyvotelewberger 🔥👨⚕️🚗👨🚒🤘 twitter.com/bringthefunny/…
782
Pulling off a blunt bob is pure, absolute POWER.
783
I’m announcing my intention to create a prestigious dog show for mutts where the judging criteria is how long they can stand me hugging them #DogThanking 🐶
784
I'm gonna need people to start calling me uncle instead of dad because I'm no father figure I'm just a perpetually drunk guy who hates kids
785
I ultimately feel sorry for the many people who swear they have a "racial preference"
That's like going to a buffet and only eating soup
786
Many of you have noticed that I've been tweeting more lately. After years of remaining distant, I've resolved to be more engaging and less precious with my thoughts, so no need to ask "are you OK / drunk." You're just being exposed to the full breadth of my weird personality. 🤗
787
*poses awkwardly, thinking it's a photo*
"Oh, you're doing a GIF? Okay!" twitter.com/koreasianmedia…
788
them: who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
me: NO ONE HE'S DEAD.
791
The three reactions I’ve heard while gazing upon the #SuperBloodWolfMoon:
FRIEND 1: “wow that’s so beautiful”
FRIEND 2: “...when the full moon is closest to the earth which makes it super and the red hue is from...”
ME: “is there a firstborn nearby that I can sacrifice”
792
Me in science class:
"This is sooo boring."
Me watching educational videos on YouTube:
"THIS IS AMAZING I LOVE LEARNING FUCK YEAH SCIENCE!"
793
This moment in the #Westworld season finale perfectly sums up how I feel while watching this incredible show @WestworldHBO
794
I keep confusing the words "gym" and "couch"
795
I typically don't get starstruck but Beyoncé just walked right past me and I immediately pooped my pants.
797
🍃🐒
🔥🐇
💧🦎
🤔🤔🤔
🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰🔥🐇💥🐰
800
*Arya Stark voice*
Ned Fulmer
Keith Habersberger
Zach Kornfeld twitter.com/tryguys/status…
