451
you'd think that years of existential dread as a teenager would have better prepared me for this
452
Please stop putting these politicians on television. Give me medical professionals and experts who value human life over their wallets. #StayHome
453
I’m sitting here in quarantine eating my dry grocery loaf while all y’all bitches suddenly Bake Off chefs during bread week.
454
Stop posting pictures of your delicious homemade bread without offering to send me any.
455
forget horoscopes, tag yourself as one of my dogs:
456
In honor of #NationalPuppyDay, thank you to WeRateDogs @dog_rates for being the one constant source of light, humor, and good boys on Twitter. 100/10 twitter.com/dog_rates/stat…
457
reflecting on how I used to delight in canceling plans
458
Tyler Perry’s I Can Get Drunk All By Myself
459
house plant people when they come out of quarantine
460
Share this video NOW with your skeptical family and friends - particularly those who need relatively simple, visual explainers about complex topics. @Kurz_Gesagt does such an incredible job summarizing how defeating Coronavirus is literally in our hands.
youtube.com/watch?v=BtN-go…
461
For the love of God, check on your Aries friends. It’s Aries season and they’re stuck inside. Send them shit to burn or they’ll do it to their house.
462
All these balcony videos from Italy and Spain are meant to be inspiring but they're just further intensifying my attraction for Italian and Spanish people.
464
All these show recommendations are great but nothing comes close to the single funniest episode in television history:
465
meanwhile, video conference calls have shown a marked improvement
466
Shoutout to everyone else drinking at home all alone while staring at the news.
We have finally become our fathers.
467
You know who loves #SocialDistance? Our pets. Less time with other humans = more time with our best friends.
For those who are fortunate enough to stay at home, take a furry family photo and share your best pet pic! I'll go first:
468
I can’t even begin to express my gratitude for doctors, nurses, researchers, scientists, paramedics, first responders, hospital staff, administrators, assistants, technicians, healthcare workers, and every medical professional working right now. Y’all are the real superheroes.
469
REMINDER: I’m a young, tall man with a big mouth who gives zero fucks. I can afford to go on the offensive.
Most people can’t defend themselves in the face of abject racism. Now is not the time for xenophobia. We need to come together in the face of a worldwide pandemic.
470
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
471
Historically, the greater threat to humanity's progress and safety over pandemics, prejudice, economic inequality, and global warming have been the fucking idiots who refuse to believe them and the monsters in power who downplay their veracity.
472
Literally the short list of people who I wish nothing bad would happen to EVER is:
1) my family
2) innocent children
3) Tom Hanks
474
My friend just met my mom for the first time. She kept referring to Gary, who lives with her.
My mom asked if Gary was her husband.
My friend replied, “Gary is my cat.”
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to all the amazing women in my life. 💜
475
diet coke cult members...
explain yourselves.
